How to Clean a House (Diaper Diary Style)

 First let’s get two things out of the way. For anyone who has been dying to see a picture of me, I think this picture is a highly accurate representation. Long legs and a teeny, tiny waist with thick, luxurious long hair. Now you know. Also I am still on the Fly Lady wagon. I am barely holding on by my fingertips, but still hanging on. So Monday is my cleaning day. So here the patented Diaper Diary way to clean a house on cleaning day.

• Wake up at 7 and check email while the kids climb all over you asking for more breakfast. Assure them that Daddy has already fed them breakfast and you will not be doing anything more in that department. Remind them several times to keep their sticky syrup fingers away from your laptop.
• At 7:45 children begin to wander down to their playroom and ask to watch Super-Why. Think that it is pretty educational and followed by Word World which is also highly educational. Possibly also swayed by the hour that they will be in front of the TV leaving you to surf People.com and find out about Madonna and A-Rod. Send kids downstairs.
• Madonna and A-Rod begin to bore you and FlyLady keeps emailing you to clean your house. Figure you should so she will get off you back already. Begin to straighten up living room so you can vacuum.
• Find all sorts of Polly Pocket clothes which Hannah keeps bringing up stairs to give me as gifts. They somehow have begun breeding and are everywhere. Contemplate letting the vacuum “accidentally” run over all 500 of them, but fear it will ruin the vacuum. Throw them downstairs and hope they magically walk their little rubbery selves into the proper place.
• Begin vacuuming the living room and dining room.
• Spot Hannah standing at the top of the stair crying because of an irrational fear of the vacuum cleaner. Call on hubby to soothe her so I can vacuum in peace (when did vacuuming become peaceful?).
• Think about dusting, but then decide against it. Add Pledge dust wipes to Walgreens list hoping that will motivate me to dust.
• Unload dishwasher and reload with the plates and glasses that have begun mating and reproducing in the sink overnight. Curse the inventor of sippy cups and all their pieces.
• Head upstairs to fold laundry and get distracted by the fact that my dear hubby has not unpacked his suitcases from early last week. Pile suitcases and other random articles of his clothing on his side of the bed so I don’t have to see them and I can pretend the room is clean.
• Attempt to dress girls and engage in a bizarre battle with my 2 year old over what she is going to wear. Seriously? You are two. Send prayers up to Jesus that he will please return before I have teenage daughters.
• Shower in relative peace and get girls dressed and ready to run to Walgreens. Mom shows up and offers to watch the girls since she was out of town and has been missing them. Hmmm…..kid-free errand running? Sign me up.
• Come back home after errands with one less kid than I left with (not because I am a bad mom, but because Lily is staying at CoCo’s house for the afternoon)
• Put Hannah to bed and straigten up remaining downstairs rooms. Run Scooba in kitchen.
• Decide to put away all the clothes I have folded earlier that are laying on the bed. Mostly cause a good thunderstorm is brewing and climbing under the covers with Real Simple sounds perfect.
• Wake up an hour later cause Hannah is waking up.
• Head downstairs and check email. Get distracted on Facebook and notice that Hannah has been quiet for quite a while. Discover her in my purse playing with my hand lotion. Realize she has used 3/4 of the bottle making herself “pretty” as well as the floor and the carpet.
• Throw Hannah in the bathtub and decide this would be a good time to clean the bathroom. Cop out and use Lysol wipes to get the job done. Notice the tub has a bit of a ring around it and try to figure out ways to make Hannah clean it while bathing. Give up.
• Spend rest of afternoon and early evening complaining to kids and hubby that “I just cleaned the house!!! Why are you leaving messes everywhere!!! Pick up what you are playing with when you are done and stop making messes!!!!”
• Leave hubby to put kids to bed and go get a pedicure so your toes look cute for vacation. Eat dark chocolate M&Ms while blogging. Look around at dishes in the sink and toys on the floor and not care one bit.

This post was written for An Island Life’s first ever Group Writing Project. Head over there for details.